This is what I drank in training, and the Ironman. Now it's the Goofy Challenge

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Today is a bad day.

Today is a bad day. I find myself pushing my limits physically, mentally, socially, but I just can’t seem to get anywhere. Since my accident, I have learned how to walk and talk again. I have taken a first aid course and passed. I went back to adult education and passed the math and English. I made an attempt to go back to work and passed. I started to live on my own and succeeded. I enrolled in college and did well first year. Second year I did not do as well. So I changed my major. I tried a trade school, and that did not go well. So I went back to retail job.
I was ok with this. I could put myself into the job because I believed in the company. Unfortunately the demands of a fast paste store, and a boss who was very demanding and was supportive as long as she didn’t have to do any extra work. Well that didn’t go well. My hours were reduced to 4 hours once a week. So I went to another store to work.
I know work more hours at a higher wage. I work with a great boss, and a very understanding family. I push myself every day to bring something to the table. I so very grateful for all they do for me and my wife; especially in this economic time. I just can’t help but feel there is something more to life than working two days a week.
I push myself into my training; I see the Ironman and my Marathons as some sort of answer to my cognitive functions. Maybe if I can run far enough, swim fast enough, bike somewhere other than hear. I can find something more fulfilling to live.
Today is a hard day. I am financially hurting, I am feeling setbacks. My student loans have come due. I tried to open a bank account with an over draft, but was declined because of note on my credit report. I contacted Equifax and there is still a bad record from when I was in the Hospital. This was when I was on long term disability before my stroke (after my first mini stroke that had gone undiagnosed) I had contacted the credit report companies and made a note on my record. I advised them I was late on my payments because I was in a coma. I had to threaten my company with a lawsuit to get my lost wages, and when I got my money I paid off all my creditors.
It’s not a big deal, I don’t really care, and maybe I am just looking for something to fight. I don’t know. I just want to work somewhere that is challenging and rewarding. Without being talked down to, yelled at, made to feel inferior. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I am not biking today, I am going to sit down and play some video games instead.
I have gone to my Dr. I have gone to the Government, I have contacted media, I have yelled and screamed at anyone that would listen to me. There is no follow through, there is no contact. The ministry just constantly puts up road blocks for me. I get treated like I am trying to take something from them; when all I want to do is work.
Today is a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. I am going to close the computer and play some video games. Try to not to dwell. Benefits of a memory problem is I will soon forget how bad things are; until I am reminded once again. I just want to for ever.

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