This is what I drank in training, and the Ironman. Now it's the Goofy Challenge

Monday, December 15, 2008

TBI and Depression/Anxiety

Ok so since my last posting allot of things have happened. I got married and I started BCIT for a Carpentry training program. While my marriage is good, advanced education is too much for me. I find the rate of information coming in to fast. While I get allot of support like, extended test time, there is no support for extended presentation of information. Our advanced education system does not make that possible. I would need to take a course 3-4 times to pass. I can’t afford that.
I can honestly say I have worked really hard. I was up so early in the morning. I was in class or the shop all day. I was at home studying and then getting ready for the next day. I was not allot of fun, and I had to cut down on training, social activities, and anything that didn’t have to do with school.
While I failed the semester final, I was allowed to retake it 11 days later, but I also had to keep attending class, I had new bi-weekly tests, and I had to study for the previous semester. There was not enough time. I was overcome with anxiety and the pressure to do all of it within the time period. I then sank into a pretty deep depression.
The hardest part of my disability is admitting it. I hate being disabled. I hate not being able to remember. I struggle very hard with the acceptance of it, every day.
On my bad days I am very tired of being disabled. I get tired of explaining my disability. On good days I have come so far, I have so hard. I can do anything. It is an extreme difference. I just want to wake up and be normal again. Go back to what I was.
I am now looking for a way to learn at my own pace, something that will allow me to be a provider for my family above minimum wage. I am going to attempt to work at the Running Room again, deal with the anxiety and depression as well as I can. I will not stop, I will keep looking forward. I will succeed. I just don’t know what success looks like.
So I will start my Penticton Ironman training in earnest.