This is what I drank in training, and the Ironman. Now it's the Goofy Challenge

Friday, March 06, 2009

New job, New attitude, New blog.

OK, so I have started a new blog this blog will be Triathlon specific. It is not only about the journey to Penticton. It is also about the training, the gear, the food, the scheduling, and everything else that goes with it.

This blog is going to focus on my day to day stuff. Well I guess not day to day, but when I need to vent, or add something I feel the world should here!!. Because world, sometimes you just listen.

So since my last posting a few things have changed. Despite an incredible amount of effort, time, money and blood and tears. My damaged brain, and current cognitive skills have shown that not only is school not going to work, but I am having trouble holding jobs.

I left the carpentry course because it just moved to fast, there was problems with how they provided me with "support". There way of dealing with Aphasia was to give me a dictionary.

I wish I could say it was all there fault, but it wasn't. I mean part of it was for sure. The other part, when I am honest, is my brain just doesn't process that intense of information, that is provided at such a fast paste. I just litterly can't do it.

That is still hard to admit. I don't like thinking I can't do things. I am so driven since my accident. It feels like everywhere I turn there are constant, overwhelming, obstacles. I just want a day off from being disabled. Just one.

I went back to work at the Running Room. At first this seemed to be a really good fit. I worked for about a month and a half. Then I ran into a few issues, again I wish I could point my finger at one particular thing, I wish I could say my boss was a bitch. Well she is, but she is also a fair bitch. I get she has her own bitches to deal with. I get she has a budget she has quotas to meet.

I just found they didn't give me enough time to adjust. I was willing, no I did, give them everything I had. I just didn't work fast enough, or learn fast enough, or do things "the perfect way". So my hours were reduced to 4 hours once a week.

I can't afford that. I understand there point of view. Which bluntly is, why pay me to do a job 3 or 4 times. When you could pay someone else to the job the first time right.

I just get frustrated that life is not balanced by intentions, or desire. Instead it is run by profit, and who ever doesn't make the boss work harder. There are two sides of me. The one that understands this. However, there is also that side of me that gets frustrated.

I mean I fit into to this world where I am not disabled enough to qualify for more funding, but I am not enabled enough to even work a minimum wage job.

When I talked to my support groups i.e. speech pathologists, Dr's, friends, etc. What I heard from the professionals was "you can always volunteer". To them I am a number, I am a statistic, they don't live my life. I am not willing to settle with $900.00 some odd dollars a month. Not when I want a house, support my wife, go on vacations, have kids. I want success to. Just as much as anyone else does

I mean on the one I am lucky to be alive. I have a incredible amount of generosity for my new life. What is the point of living if am just an old broken compute sitting by the garbage bin? I just don't have the processing speed for this world. I guess not the world I choose to live in.

That being said, I have found a new job. I am now working at Foot Solutions three times a week. The honours are close friends by proxy. My wife has known them since childhood.

They are understanding and supportive and it's a great working environment. I am still trying to get into this new "me". Find out what I can do, and what I can't. This has been a strange journey. That doesn't seem like it is settling down anytime soon.

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